Opening quotes

i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; 

only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses

-ee cummings

“You are my inspiration and my folly. You are my light across the sea, my million nameless joys, and my day’s wage. You are my divinity, my madness, my selfishness, my transfiguration and my purification. You are my rapscallionly fellow vagabond, my tempter and star.” – George Bernard Shaw

Love these quotes – so perfect, and I wanted to share them! :) 

<3 – Las

Lightly

I found these little poems on my old phone when I was pulling all of the information from it. They were written approximately one year ago, but they were written with /tell in mind. Therefore I feel they’re appropriately placed here.

I want to feel passion again
I want to feel fulfilled
I want to breathe in cool, salty air and
feel your arms wrap around my waist
from behind
I want to get lost in your eyes again
I want to travel back in time
to when I first saw your face
I would live in a box as long as
I was with you
I want to feel that strength of emotion I
felt for you again
I want to get lost in your eyes

I dream about you for motivation
I dream about you for inspiration

I need to see a thousand rolling hills
I need to feel the wind in my hair
I need to stand in the middle of a
                 thunderstorm and feel the rain on my face
I need to stop dreaming of your eyes
                 above mine
I’m not a caged bird
And I was never meant to be tamed
I don’t belong as a kept sparrow
I belong on a mountain in the mist
I will always belong in your eyes
Though your arms will never again
               hold me

Two updates in one day! Woot! :-) Just a little poetry to break the monotony of the blast posts! 

<3 – Las

Square 1001

I’ve recently had my manuscript printed out, and it was such an inspiration to see my words strewn across my floor in an attempt to organize everything. I’ve found that there’s so much still let to include, but it’s coming together nicely. I’m utilizing my time wisely, and using every second I have free to write – sometimes it’s actually on the pages, but other times it’s in my journal. My journal has become a haven for /tell, and its pages are filled with instances and scenes that randomly flash into my head. It’s like I’m reliving the story every time I close my eyes. There’s always something new, a renewed feeling, a scent, a song – something that brings it back to me. It helps me to move forward in my writing, which is really where I need to be right now: keeping my mind focused and constantly pulling the past into the story. 

<3 – Las

Chaos creates Peace

Life is constantly in a state of flux, and my life has certainly been that in the recent past. In the past six months, I’ve left my boyfriend of 4.5 years, I’ve moved from a small suburb into the bustling city of Atlanta into an old, charming apartment with a good friend, and I’ve altered my outlook on life. I’ve been dating, which is something completely different for a serial relationship’r, and I’m finding out things that I enjoy about people. I’m not the pessimistic person who I once was, and I instead look to the future with bright eyes. I’ve established an art studio in my new place, which is quickly becoming a haven regardless of the slanted floor. It’s all part of living in an old apartment, which is precisely what I wanted.

I’ve never wanted anything cookie-cutter, ever. I’ve always wanted to live somewhere that wasn’t quite “normal,” I’ve wanted to live life to the fullest in every possible way imaginable, and I’ve always dreamed of a love that would move mountains. I’m writing about that love that I once had, and I know that there is another out there who can make me feel that way again. However, I’m learning what it means to be alone. And I don’t mean lonely, because being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely; it simply means being by yourself, and loving yourself – which is something that I’ve never been very good at. I’m learning to accept myself for who I am, to change those things that I can, and to love the things that I cannot. I can change the fact that I’m a smoker, I can change the fact that I should be in better shape and eat better. I cannot change who I am at my core, and that person is amazing I’m learning. I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am passionate, I’m an inspiration to those around me. I am a lover, a fighter, a dreamer, and a writer. I’m an artist, a humanitarian, and a philanthropist. I’m a reader; I’m a viewer. I’m inspired by the world around me, from the clouds in the sky to the sidewalks where the rains fall. 

I am renewed, and from the chaos of the past years comes the peace within. 

<3 – Las

Music, wine and ice cream

Honestly, what’s better on a rainy day than good music, good wine, and good ice cream? Right, that’s what I was thinking too. Oh, the thought is that I can’t come up with much better on a rainy Sunday. Coupled with those three things, however, is also good writing. I took today off work in order to write a few articles that I’ve been meaning to hammer out, work on a short story of mine, and to also work in the manuscript. However, I’m finding myself in a much more meditative than creative mood. I’m alright with my alone time, which is probably a sign that I should use it to its full advantage, light a few candles, close my eyes and see what it is the universe has been trying to tell me for a couple of weeks now. 

I’ve had this feeling of a pit in my stomach for at least this week, but probably closer to two weeks. I can only attribute it to a few things that have been swirling around my mind. The first being finding a new place to live and making sure that it’s exactly what we want. Huge decisions have always weighed on my psyche, and this is no different. With an active imagination, I can come up with a dozen reasons why some conclusion will be riddled with negative outcomes. There are always going to be negatives, but this is also along the lines of self-reparation: stop worrying and over-thinking everything that is going on around me; focus on the positives rather than the negatives; what is meant to happen, will, and if it’s not meant to happen, don’t force it, but be honest with yourself and the world. The honesty part has been throwing me off for awhile in one area of my life, and I think that pit in my stomach is also trying to tell me to stop being so scared. There’s nothing to fear when you’re honest with yourself and those around you who matter. And if they mind your honesty, they simply don’t matter. These are things that I know in the recesses of my mind, but when the opportunity arises, I still turn-tail and scram. Go figure. I knew this journey wouldn’t be easy, so I’m certainly not complaining about it. I didn’t think that overcoming fears would be so damn hard though. I guess once some things are ingrained for so long, it’s going to take some time to get over them and finally figure out what is wanted. 

What isn’t wanted is usually easier to figure out and move away from, as I’ve seen in the past 4 months. I broke away from Azurite, which was just negative energy all-around. I’ve embraced my soul and my free-spirit, and I’ve become more and more myself in the past 4 months that I’ve been alone. I haven’t been completely alone, but I’ve been alone enough to find myself again. I’ve missed this person who is me because she is inspirational, she is beautiful, she is strong, she is determined and she is motivated. She’s a dreamer and a lover, a flower child and stubborn. She knows what she wants, she knows what she can’t deal with. She smiles and laughs all the time, and she loves good wine and great company. She watches the same movies over and over again because they remind her that she is a romantic, hopeless or not. I know that I’m describing myself in the 3rd person, but reading the words that describe myself is very therapeutic. 

I was always the creative free-spirit. I’m so glad that I’ve reconnected with who I am, and who I’m meant to be. 

<3 – Las

Well, well, well

So it’s apparently been awhile since I’ve written anything except by hand. That’s right, I’ve been toting journals and manuscripts around with me and jotting down ideas as they pop into my head. It’s been very helpful when going back to the manuscript. It’s amazing how often I think of /tell in my daily life among the other random things that pop into my head. I’ve been recording dreams, scenes from the book, random quotes that I either come up with or find somewhere online, and various other things. I’ve also been working on an inner monologue in order to “re-discover” myself after a hellacious period of losing myself. The good news: I’m getting back to who I am, and moving toward the person that I want to be. 

So, with /tell…. I apparently didn’t update the manuscript at all throughout the month of May. I was handwriting everything that came to mind with the intentions of typing it out and filling up the blank pages, but I apparently never got around to it. I like to look at it like this: even though the manuscript didn’t get updated, I was still thinking about my baby of a novel. She still got love, affection, and attention, but not in the way that she’s been accustomed. I opened up the manuscript two days ago, flipped open my journal, and began typing everything out. I wrote out one scene, and then ran with the images flowing through my head. The words continued to come back to me even though I’d long  left the journal behind. I’ve since updated the manuscript from right around 27k words to nearly 31k. All in just two days! I’ve been so excited by the additions that my journal sparked that I’ve decided this was the right idea all along. I keep a voice recorder in my car as well, but that doesn’t seem to nearly get the attention that my journal does. It’s not a new discovery, but I love handwriting anything, it seems. I try to reserve my journal for things mainly related to the book, but I do sometimes deviate. However, they aren’t far deviations. 

As for a life update: I’m planning to move into the city with a very old friend of into an awesome old apartment building that has a lot of charm and character. I also added to my body modifications/art with a new tattoo that spans across my foot, wraps up and around the back of my ankle and onto the front of my shin. It’s a lily with intricate tendrils and detail, and was done for my mother. Her favorite flower is a lily, and she picked out the original photo that I took around to the tattoo parlors. I finally wound up going to a very old friend of mine, who I should’ve just gone to in the first place, and left with a tattoo that I absolutely love despite the pain undergone. Here’s a photo from the day after I had it done: 

Lily tattoo

As mentioned above, this is the tattoo I had done for my mother.

You can see from the photo that it was very fresh. In the two weeks since then, it’s truly healed up nicely. It’s still healing, but I expect it should be in tip-top shape within the next two weeks. I’ll post another picture then! 

Having a new tattoo, a new place to live in a big city, and a new outlook on life, I feel like I’m finally, finally getting back to following my dreams. And the main one that I’m following currently is seeing this book through to completion, regardless of the times that it causes me to break down in tears and curse Seventhsin. I did speak with him about a month ago, and it was one of the most refreshing conversations I’ve had in quite some time. He still knows me just as well today as he did five years ago, but the conversation didn’t bring up longing or sadness. It brought a calm to my mind, and I felt like I could finally breathe. It was a strange feeling, but definitely welcome. I know that he’ll never read /tell because it’s so real – or surreal, depending on how you look at it – but I’ll know, and everything will finally be hammered out in text. Call it a healing tactic or whatever, but I just have this overwhelming desire to send this story out into the world – once it’s completed, of course. 

Alright, I’m off once more to write and continue remembering conversations of long ago. 

<3 – Las

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